


Grief

by mohinikapuahi



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Coda, Episode 3.03, Episode Tag, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-10
Updated: 2012-10-10
Packaged: 2017-11-16 01:03:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mohinikapuahi/pseuds/mohinikapuahi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the pain gets too much?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grief

Steve leaned against the lanai door watching his teammate closely, wondering for the millionth time if he had done the right thing. Chin Ho stood at the edge of the beach; his hands plunged into his pockets, staring out at the ocean. Steve could see the slump of his shoulders, the dejected tilt of his head and knew without asking that there was really no way to fix this for him. Steve had been there, he could still feel the soul crushing pain of a loved one’s death gripping his heart. Then there was his mother. She was supposed to be dead, but she wasn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t want her there, because he did, she was his mother, even if she was a spy. But every time he thought about his mother it broke his heart. She was here and Malia was gone.  


Every time he looked at Chin and saw the grief that shrouded him, he felt guilty. He knew he shouldn’t but he did, he would give anything to go back to before the shooting, before he flew to Japan. If he could take it back he would, he wouldn’t go again, and he shouldn’t have gone when he did. He had dealt with his mother’s death, long ago, if he could just change that one thing, he would have been there to help Chin, and wouldn’t have to deal with his not dead mother’s betrayal.

Striding back into the house, he plucked two beers from the fridge and wandered out across the back lawn until he stood at Chin’s side. He shoulder bumped Chin gently and twisted the lid off one of the beers and extended it to Chin. Chin waved it away without glancing away from the horizon.

Steve leaned down to rest both beers on the arm of the chair before he turned his attention back to Chin.

Danny should be here, Steve thought as he watched Chin struggling. He knew that struggle all too well, the grief that threatened to overwhelm him at the slightest word, the barest memory. Danny would know how to deal with this; it was what he did better than anyone else Steve knew. He would know the right touch and the right word to help Chin heal. But right now this was what Steve needed to do for both of them.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked softly.

“No.” 

“It’ll help.” Steve shrugged, turning his attention back to the water, pushing his own hands into his pockets.

“Because talking works _so_ well for you.” 

Steve shrugged his shoulders slowly, “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you needed me.”

“You rarely are.” 

Steve winced, but didn’t argue the point, besides Chin was right in the last year he’d be gone almost as much as he’d been here.

“Are you done?” Steve turned his head to look at Chin, wincing as he watched fat, silent tears tracking down Chin’s cheeks.

“No.” Chin ground out.

“Do you want to hit me?” Steve asked quietly, his voice calm, waiting for Chin’s reponse.

“No.” His voice was little more than a sigh as he gave into the grief that was crushing him.

“Can I help?” Steve turned to face his friend, watching him closely.

Chin shook his head, his bottom lip trembling, Steve watched him struggle with his thoughts and his memories. Watched him trying to force their conversation to make sense to him, his mind filled with pain and grief with no room for conscious thought. 

Sliding a couple of faded photographs from his back pocket, Steve held them in his hand for long minutes before he spoke again.

“Nights when Danny doesn’t come over, I spend time in the attic, sorting through Dad’s boxes. You know how much of a pack rat he was. It helps, sometimes. I missed so much of his life, up there; I can get a feel for the time I missed.” Steve moistened his lips, dragging his fingers around the corner of the photos as he struggled to form the right words to explain himself to Chin. “I was up there last night, and I found these, Dad would want you to have them, and I thought you might like them, that’s why I asked you to come back to the house, I didn’t want to do this in front of everyone.” He paused, “It just seemed too…personal, or something.”

Steve held the pictures out, his own hands trembling, and watched as Chin took them from him. He watched as Chin looked down and saw the images in his hands. They were pictures from happier times, before the forfeiture locker debacle, before the wasted years, before Delano stole her from the world. Malia had been happy healthy, beautiful, the shining light of both their young lives, the happiness in the photos he had found had hurt Steve to look at, he couldn’t imagine what Chin was feeling.

Slowly Chin’s face crumbled, the silent tears became great gulping sobs of all consuming sorrow. Helpless, Steve watched for long awkward moments before he gave in to his first impulse and drew his friend into his long arms. Pulling him against his chest and stroking his back soothingly, Steve waited for the tidal wave of emotions to slow.

Steve’s tee shirt was wet with Chin’s grief when he pulled away. Affording the older man some privacy, Steve turned back to looking out at the ocean again.

“Can I ask you something?” Steve asked quietly, waiting patiently until Chin answered.

“Depends.” Chin shrugged.

“Why weren’t you drinking tonight?” he asked with a frown, “Why wouldn’t you have a beer now?”

“I can’t.” Chin answered quickly, lifting one hand to scrub through his hair.

“Why not?” Steve probed.

“What do you want me to tell you, Steve?” Chin’s words were angry but his voice was broken as he spoke.

“The truth.”

“Fine. Here’s the truth.” Chin turned to look at Steve, his bloodshot eyes focusing on Steve’s face as he did. “I don’t want to drink because it will make me forget. My God, I want to forget so badly. But I can’t because if I forget I’ve thrown away precious minutes with her that I’ll never have again. Or better yet, if I drink maybe, just maybe I might get lucky and I’ll forget that I’m part of an elite crime fighting unit. I’ll forget and I’ll step in front of one of the scum that we catch and if I’m really lucky then I’ll end up with her again.” Chin paused to catch his breath. “Is that what you wanted to hear, Steve? Is that what you need to hear? Go ahead and suspend me. Give me an excuse to do something stupid, because that’s all I need.” 

“Do I need to stand you down?” Steve narrowed his eyes, searching Chin’s face.

“No!” Chin snapped. “I can’t be alone at home.”

“Are we good, Chin Ho?” Steve spoke softly. Catching movement out of the corner of his eye, he looked up to nod tightly at Danny as he walked slowly across the lawn towards them.

“No.” Chin sighed scrubbing his hands across his face as Danny’s warm hand touched his shoulder in greeting. “But we will be.”


End file.
